Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
