Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize