Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
