So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
