Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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