I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
