So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
