I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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