I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
