i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
