i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So vagazzling was a success
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
