So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
