It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize