Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
