I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
