This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
