He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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