eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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