im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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