I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
