Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
