you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
