o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
