He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
