In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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