There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
