I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
