Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You made out with two different species that night
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
