Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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