Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
