Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
