I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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