i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize