Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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