Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
