She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
PANTIES FOUND
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