Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
