Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
