Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
