He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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