last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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