She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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