Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
