Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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