what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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