My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
