was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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