When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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