she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
