is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
