Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I faked an abortion last night.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
