At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
