2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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