Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
