meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
