is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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