So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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