I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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