Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize