The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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