The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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