Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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