Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
