My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
